Thoughts by Nabila Obayed

I was thinking, my mind was somewhere else though I was reading a book called “Elite Perceptions of Poverty in Bangladesh”. Literally I was reading, seeing those lines but in reality I was visualizing some thoughts wandering in my mind. There were lines after lines of words in front of my eyes but my eyes were showing me something else. At the same time I was listening to a romantic hindi song on youtube. The tune and lyrics were extremely romantic. “Ek mulaqat ho, tu mere paas ho….” The male vocal in the song was urging desperately for a meet up with his lover. The tune was so passionate that somehow I also started to fantasize that type of urge to meet up with my boyfriend. Although I was reading lines from the book “This book is about how Bangladeshi elites perceive poverty and the poor” and bla… bla… bla… in my mind I totally got absorbed in visualizing a moment, an adorable moment when so much adore fell on my dry lips with deep and passionate kisses from my beloved boyfriend. He grasped me so tight in him that all our body parts seemed to become one. Suddenly my mobile phone started ringing and all those day dreams shattered in a second.

It was a call from one of the heads of the organization I work. After the talk I saw my wrist watch and it was almost the time to go home. So within 10 minutes I wrap up all my things and went out from office for home. The journey from office to home is the worse part of my day. When my office ends, the traffic jam on road begins. During that time journey by bus shows how bitter experience a person can have travelling by bus. I certainly can say if someone asks you to write an essay on Journey by Bus based on that travel from office to home during the evening that will turn out the worst essay of the history of essays. It will sound so realistic and full of slangs that it may get an award for that, may be a Noble Prize in literature. However these are all my imaginations which I imagine sitting on bus while going home to pass that pathetic time. If someone can preserve the odor that comes from sweating and spray it in a war field, I bet it will work better than gun to kill people. After all these imaginations, arriving home is a relief. It feels like I am in heaven. 

It is 12 at night. I just finished talking with my boyfriend and preparing to sleep. Sleep brings happiness and it adds more happiness when the next day is a Friday. I will not have to get up early in the morning. Moreover, I have a plan tomorrow. I am planning to spend a quality time with my boyfriend Ifti. He promised to take me out of the city somewhere surrounding by green fields and river. These high-rise buildings in the city give me a feeling that someone has put me in a jail. So after dealing with a pathetic week with I am going to have a wonderful weekend and I hope for the best.

Ifti and I am building our relationship since a year. We put up a good bonding between us. All these events concerning our love affair came about with the contribution of Facebook and my sheer interest in good looking man. The day I added ifti in my facebook is a memorable day for me. Just few hours back I was writing my diary with tears telling God “Everyone fell in love but why do not I? Did you make no one for me? Should I be alone forever?” I was so upset that day out of feeling lonely that I could not even eat at noon. Then on evening when I was facebooking I received a friend request from an unknown person who was extremely good looking. Interestingly, after looking his profile and photos my eyes ball took the shape of stars. I saw stars twinkling in front of my eyes. Without doing much query and delay I accepted his friend request and waited for his message. After few minutes I received a message from ifti asking “how are you?” This is how our story begins. His love proposal was quite more interesting. One day we were chatting on facebook and regarding an issue we started to fight. The fight was regarding why I did not take breakfast in the morning. During our quarrel, at a point I asked him “what is your problem if I do not eat properly and if I die?” Ifti wrote instantly “Don’t you know how much I love you?” It was like a storm wind just came and go. We both remain silent for few minutes. Then I said “lets meet tomorrow somewhere” and he agreed. 

I become more and more interested on him watching his photography talent. He is a passionate photographer. I fell in love the way he talks, the way he takes photographs. Day by day he became a habit of mine. I just cannot think a single day without talking to him. I feel like he has become a significant part of my body.  

It is Friday morning. According to our plan I took shower and breakfast then went out telling Ma that I have a daylong outing program with my friends today. Ifti parked his car a bit far from my house so that no one can see him. I walked little and get into the car. Then our journey towards the unknown begins. After a long journey we reached to a resort in Gazipur and spend a very good time together till the evening. On the way back to home we stopped at ashuliain in front the Turag river. The area surrounding the river is protected with a dam and on that the roads have been made. It is a beautiful night and fortunately I just have came across to a wonderful dream. It is heavenly. I never could have imagined on this particular day I will face one of my dreams that I have cherished in my mind for so long and never thought that particular person will bring my dream into real. Maybe it was nature’s wish too. After the sun went back to home a lovely moon smiled and sparkled on the dark sky. We are sitting on rocks beside the river. It looks as if the moon light is playing hide and seek with water in the river. In this mesmerizing moment Ifti sitting beside me took over my hand and grasped it tight. Suddenly a baby cloud covered the moon and a lovely breeze went away. We looked at each other’s eyes with little smile on our face and said nothing. Then holding Ifti’s hand I kept my head on his shoulder. It is a peaceful and lovely night. I know this type of opportunity luckily comes once in a life. Who knows this wonderful night will come again in our life or not hence I decided to capture this moment in my diary after going home. After living that moment we again get on the car and started towards home. In the car we listened to so many romantic songs and speak very little. Just before I get down from the car something just stuck with my foot. I looked down and picked it up. It was a baby shoe maybe a child of 2 or 3 years of age. Without any words I show it to Ifti. I saw Ifti’s eyes went blank. 

Ifti started to talk after a minute. First of all he begged apology for his inability to tell the truth before we start our relationship. Then he started to talk fast like a mad without any punctuation so many things in a second and finally, ended with saying “I am married and I have a three year old daughter.” I was so shocked at that specific moment that not a single word came into my mouth. I stared at him like a dumb for a minute and get down from his car. I went straight to my home putting my eyes down and acted at home in front of my parents like nothing has happened I just enjoyed a wonderful day with my friends. 

Two long days gone. I did not talk to Ifti, not a single word. I am feeling like I am just a body there is no soul inside me. It feels so light and weightless that I can say I am trying to feel the lightness of the heaviness. During this long silence Ifti called me several times but I did not receive his call. I am so unsure of what I will say to him. Should I say “I hate you for loving me” or “Go away from my life I do not want to see your face anymore” or what? What will be my approach towards him? Will it be silent or I will shout on him? I really do not know what to do. He is calling me again. First time I did not receive the phone neither the second time. I just looked at my mobile phone seeing his photo and his name with a blank mind. Third time I picked up and told him “I am busy please call me at night” and end the call.

It is now 8pm. I am in my room turned off the light and sitting near the window, watching the busy road with full of cars, buses, trucks, rickshaws and wayfarers. All the vehicles and people are moving so fast that it seems like everyone is in hurry. But even in this crowed there is a beauty in it. The beauty is in the lights of those vehicles. From far that trail of lights looked amazing in the dark. It gave an epiphany that we have become habituated living this urban life. These noises crowed and lights give us pleasure whereas the rural part looks beautiful under the daylight but becomes boring when dark falls. Thinking all these philosophical thoughts with listening to romantic songs in my computer is something similar to the statement “pleasure in pain”. But it is undoubtedly pleasure for me although I have a thick layer of pain inside of me. In this beautiful moment of realization Ifti called on phone. He said “Hi” and I said it too. He is buffering with noises like “umm… aaaa…. Ahhmmm…” Suddenly I do not know from where I got energy and told him straightaway “Do you love me?” he answered “Yes”. Then giving him no chance to speak I instantly asked him “Can you leave your wife and daughter for me?” With a broken voice Ifti said “No” and he added “As I love you, I love them too I cannot leave them.” His Answer was so bewildering that I suddenly burst out laughing. I asked to him “How is this possible? How can you love two women at the same time?” After listening to his silence I ended with saying “In this one year I never realized for a second that in the veil of such an handsome man there lives a completely confused person. Hail to you Ifti.” And I turned off the phone.

A week passed by and today is Friday. Last Friday was memorable Friday for me and it will be a memorable day throughout my life. It is 10am in the morning. I am sitting in front of my computer listening to music and watching some old photos of Ifti and me. Those photos are full of memories and brought tears on my eyes. This time I just could not hold my tears. I started to write on my diary; 

I never thought I can love such a person like you and unfortunately or fortunately I am so much in love with you that my life is nothing in front of my want of leaving you. I don’t know for what reason I am suffering this punishment, why God has made me to fall for him, fall for such a person who does not belong to me, about whom I cannot talk to others, whom I cannot make mine but still just cannot keep him out of my mind. I tremendously feel I cannot live without this person. He has become a part of mine that I cannot separate from me at any cost. I really don’t know the source of this love and don’t know whether should I call it forbidden or true love. Maybe it looks forbidden but my love for him is pure. I feel he is my part and I am his but why other people came in our life, why we are not made for each other?

He is so close to my heart that I always feel something pulling me towards him. How much I try to untie the rope, I more and more get tied up. I am in such a condition where no rules or logic works. I just love him and I become very depressed when I try to separate myself from him. I feel like Ifti is mis-married to another person. I desperately want him in my life without those other people. I cannot think of a single day without him. The feeling “without him” makes me sick and depressed. “He is, therefore I am.”

Writing on a diary always makes me feel light. My diary is my secret friend to whom I can talk all those secrets that I cannot share with others.

Nowadays, I talk to Ifti on phone. I just cannot avoid his calls. Our conversation has become very formal with full of greetings. It is as if we have become the king and queen of England and we have to talk with manners. I took my phone to call Ifti and in the meantime, I saw a call from an unknown number in my phone. I picked up the call and a female voice came from the other side of the phone. First of all she confirmed my name and then started talking. “I am Ifti’s wife. Somehow I learned about the affair going on between you and Ifti. So why both of you are wasting your time? If both of you are in love with each other just get married. Do you afraid to get married because the society will curse you? Do not afraid just do it but before getting married just think about Ifti’s three year old daughter, just think about her curses when she will know that YOU destroyed her like by separating her mom and dad. Therefore if you do not want to live a cursed life then leave my husband instantly or else get married.” Then she dropped the call. She gave me no chance to speak a single word and her voice seemed so strong that I started shivering with fear of getting cursed. Her strong divine like speech gave me an instant realization that I have selected a wrong way. I am doing injustice to a happy family. I should leave from the life of Ifti. This thinking of “what should I do” several time brought into my mind about committing suicide and the desire has been so tremendous that I could have done it if it were not a sin in our religion. But After that call I promised to myself that I will never talk to Ifti in my life and I never break my promises.

A month has gone. It was long than ever. Each and every day I just thought and tried to find ways of forgetting the memories of Ifti. I cried, wrote so many things on my diary but I could not delete those photos of him from my computer. Whatever happens I will not break my promise, I will not talk to him again. Maybe he will forget me in future. I do not know about me whether someone else will come on my life or I will fell in love again with the right person or I will be alone. Life is so uncertain but I have to move on. I have so many things to see yet.